The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered
for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told
of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone
to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem
to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share
his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting,
and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering
at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an
earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair
he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those
wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former
church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle
his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting
things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the
bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble
with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey
by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit
him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might
have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better
in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does
this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records.
Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth
date. (This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition has it that Melchizedek
is really Shem. If you check out the lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it
seems to be true!)
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one.
Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes
denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse.
Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short
on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to
preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good
at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow
workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult.
Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed
to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday. Possibilities here.
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