POSITION: MUM

Topic: Mothers

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for Challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site training in basic life

skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating,

conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh

wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track

of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.

Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing

budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than

me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor

vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously

practicing above mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able

to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand

criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be

hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must

be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go

from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams

from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to

face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,

mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone

calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework

projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for

clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be

indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle

assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys

and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic

entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name.

Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as

"What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in and shoot Sadam Hussein?" on the fly. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of

the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and

janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: Non required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about

this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you

could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition

reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job

supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for

life if you play your cards right.

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